My First Mammogram

This is a post about my first MAMMOGRAM experience. I am sharing it to encourage mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, cousins, girlfriends, daughters, nieces to take breast examination seriously. 

Last week I noticed a small knot under my right arm. I thought maybe that I was just imagining things and ignored it. The next day I avoided "checking" to see if it was there all day. Finally I "checked". Yep, there. Not big, very small and almost unnoticeable. Of course immediate panic and worry set in. I'm 34. This can't be anything. Can it? I tried to block it out. I called my doctor Monday morning. When I called they made me an appointment for today. All week I put on my brave face, telling myself I am not going to panic, I am not going to worry, I'm sure it's nothing, God's got this. I would forget about it for five minutes then my mind would be immediately drawn back to it. I prayed about it. As I was praying I couldn't really find the words to say. "Lord, please don't let this be anything. Lord, heal me if it is. Lord, please don't let this be anything. Lord, heal me if it is." Over and over I repeated this. It's like I could not wrap my mind around even the possibility of it being "something"so much so that I couldn't even ask God for help. All I could think about was wanting to grow old with Chad, to celebrate anniversaries and birthdays with him, to watch Peyton graduate, to listen to Landon tell stories, to kiss them on the cheek and wish them as much love and happiness as I have the day they get married, to hold my grand-children. Peyton is 15, Landon is 10. I want them to know me, to remember their mama and how they were her world. They aren't ready for that. The words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. One thing I did manage to get out in my prayers was that I would give HIM all the GLORY for His hand on my life. That no matter what "it" was, no matter good or bad, He would get my praise and I would share His love and power in my life with others. So that is why I am posting this. 

I believe God uses things that we love in our lives to show us the He is with us and that we are not alone. Music is one way He speaks to me. On the way to the appointment the song Pray by Sanctus Real came on K-love. It is one of my favorites. Here are the lyrics:

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say
I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with
I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out
Though I'm silent, my heart is crying
Cause I was made to come to You

So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray

I failed to find the time, but You've been calling out
I let the days go by as if I could live without
But it's gotta be here now, I won't be pulled away
Cause it's just You and I, so let the world around us fade

As I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray
I'm gonna pray

Father. Will You meet me here right now?
Father. I surrender, lay it down
Father

And every time I close my eyes
I know that I was made
To lift my hands and pray
I lift my hands and pray

You know my heart, You know my need
And every single part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray
I'm gonna pray

You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
More than words, You are my life
Take it as an offering

To hear this beautiful song click this link:

Pray by Sanctus Real

Wow, this could not be any more true for my life this week. I lived the part "You know my heart, You know my need, You know every single part of me, So even if it's just to speak Your name, I'm gonna pray" this week. I don't think I have ever in my life experienced the kind of fear that I felt this week. Don't get me wrong I know my God is bigger and greater than any force this world can bring my way, but I am human, and the unknown is very scary. The song talks about how we are made to come to Him. I think sometimes I forget that. I get busy. I get complacent. I get comfortable. I think He used this experience today to remind me that I was made to come to Him. For everything, for anything. He's our Father. The Almighty. The Beginning and End. He is in control of everything that was, and is, and is to come. Do you forget that? I do. 

My mama went with me today. Even though I didn't tell her where we were going or why until we were almost there. Almost got in trouble over that one! I just didn't want her to worry over me all week. I was doing enough for the both of us. I went in filled out all that lovely new patient paper work and sat down. I rambled a lot. Nervous energy I guess. Oh who am I kidding. I can talk the ears off a billy goat! (Southern Sayin') They called me back. The sweet young lady walked me to a dressing room to change into my "mammogram attire". She told me to remove my deodorant and to crack the door when I was ready. Okay, first, nobody told me that you had to remove your deodorant for a mammogram/ultrasound. So I am telling you now so you will know. Second, is anyone really ever ready for this? I mean even if I didn't have an "area of concern" as they called it I am not sure this is something I was ready for at the time. So in true blogger fashion I snapped this "selfie" with my oh-so-cute paper gown on and my half-hearted smile. Deep breath, and crack the door. She took me down the hall to the room for the mammogram. She told me to let her know if I felt uncomfortable at any time. She explained everything she did and asked me to do in the most pleasant of voices. A few minutes later we were done. Wait. That's all? Ok, no pain, no agony, 5 minutes tops. Tell me again why women have told me stories for years about what a horrible experience having a mammogram was?  Tell me again why something that could save your life is so simple but so avoided. It didn't hurt, they were very professional, no big deal at all. If it's time to get one, get one. Nothing to it! 

Again, since I had an "area of concern" I was taken to a little holding room to wait for the doctor to read the mammogram and set up for an ultrasound. I sat down in a chair with a heated blanket. I thought to myself  "Oh this is so nice." The young lady helping me handed me a silicone "breast" to hold and showed me what "breast cancer" felt like. She told me that it is hard as a rock and not painful. What? Not painful. Now that doesn't make sense. Learned lots of new things today! She asked me if I was ok and then told me the doctor would be in shortly to get me. Since I was a new patient, while waiting, they had me watch a video on "Self Breast Examination" or "SBE" as the little lady from 1985 called it on the VHS tape. Amazing how so much has changed in medicine but so many simple, important things and processes have stayed the same. When something is just as applicable 20 years later you know it works! As I watched the video my mind began to wonder and I almost had a melt down. "Is that what it feels like? What's taking so long? This warm blanket is just a distraction. So is this video. Lord, please don't let this be anything. Lord, heal me if it is." I looked around the room sort of watching, sort of not. Then I saw a scripture posted on a little plaque above the television...

Jeremiah 29:11" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The doctor knocked right after I read it. So I didn't have time to let it process. She introduced herself and immediately said "Kellie your mammogram was all clear". Whew! Thank you JESUS! Then she said, "But, since your area of concern is under your arm we are going to go now and do an ultrasound to check everything out really well".  Que nerves! So we walked down to another little room. I hopped on the table. She asked me questions about my family, my husband, my boys, my job, where I shop. Ha, I thought that was a fabulous question. Again, good grief, this lady is distracting me from worrying. How dare they throw all these distractions in! Then she said "I don't see anything at all to worry about." She told me I have fibrocystic breast disease and showed me what it looks like on the ultrasound. She explained that the "knot" i felt under my arm was just tissue that had settled there and that it was nothing to be concerned about. (I can definitely live with that!) She checked my lymph nodes and told me they were all normal. She told me to continue regular monthly breast exams and keep appointments with my regular doctor then come back to see her when I am 40 unless anything changes. Because I had a hysterectomy and have been on hormone replacement therapy she told me that I did the right thing by coming. That is wasn't an over reaction and that I needed a good base-line since I will soon be 35. She assured me that it is always better to err on the side of caution when it comes to our health.

Oh thank you JESUS! I could breathe. I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I got up, hugged her, I am a hugger, can't help myself, and happily headed to the dressing room. I thanked everyone in the hallway and told them all to have a wonderful day. I am sure they thought I was way to chipper! I would have hugged all of them but they looked busy so I didn't. So then I snapped the "post-mammogram selfie". My GOD is GOOD ALL the time, and ALL the time, GOD is GOOD!

My story today had a happy ending. I am sure had the outcome been different I may not have been as positive or upbeat. I honestly don't know what I would feel and I am thankful that I didn't have to find out. I can't imagine what the beautiful, strong, courageous women that have breast cancer go through every day. The kind of fear they face on a daily basis is unimaginable to me. I know that they are without a doubt some of bravest human beings on this earth after experiencing even the possibility of this horrible disease this week. This post is dedicated to them. They fight every day to live. To have more time with their husbands, children, family, and friends. To my family and friends that are in this battle...I am committing to pray for you, for strength, comfort, and courage. You know who you are. To my precious family and friends that have lost someone to this terrible disease I am praying for you, for strength, comfort, and courage. I am going to do my best not to complain about my flaws, and parts of my body that I do not like or think is the best. I am going to be thankful for the healthy body that I have and focus on keeping it that way to the best of my ability. 

I am one blessed and happy girl. I do have a few new gray hairs from all of this but I am so relieved. To those of you that prayed for me today, thank you from the bottom of my heart. On the way home I turned the radio on. The song The Lord Our God by Kristian Stanfill was on K-Love. It started with "The Lord our God is ever faithful". Yes HE is! He is faithful in the good outcome, He is faithful in the bad outcome. Either way...He keeps His promises and He will see us through til the end. 

Here are the lyrics:

Promise maker, promise keeper

You finish what you begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through 'til the end
You see it through 'til the end

The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness You will lead us
And forever we will say
You're the Lord our God

In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good
Yes, we can know You are good

We won't move without You
We won't move without You
You're the light of all and all that we need

And forever we will say
You're the Lord our God

Check it out for yourself...It will bless you!

The Lord Our God by Kristian Stanfill

Afterwards I went to lunch with my mama and did a little shopping. Hey, I deserved it. I had my mammogram today!